Hello! Welcome to the (Barn) Studio. Today’s video, that will be linked below, is about how you and your creativity matter, as well as an introduction to me and my creative journey. We’ll talk a bit about that in a moment.
“The biggest lie we fall for is that it doesn’t matter. Your opinion doesn’t matter. Your choices don’t matter. Your influence doesn’t matter. Your existence doesn’t matter. You don’t matter. It is the worst, most destructive lie we ever believe, and in consequence it wreaks extensive damage to more lives than your own. Don’t fall for that evil lie. Don’t forget that everything about you absolutely does matter.” ~Richelle E. Goodrich, “Being Bold: Quotes, Poetry, and Motivations for Every Day of the Year.”
Lately, since my brother’s death the end of March, I’ve been cultivating not only a sense of hope, but strength and courage. While out shopping for a few things (purple shampoo and Jamaican Black Castor oil conditioner) I found a candle. The candle said, “Hope: propels us to achieve our dreams and drives us forward toward our pursuits.”
I’m not a patient person. Never have been. I want to be healed, not healing, but I realize that grief and healing is a process. My deeper feelings are there, underneath the surface, sometime boiling over, but usually those deeper feelings are pulled inward, and I retreat into my Cancerian shell, where I am able to process. But grief doesn’t work that way. I took a big step the other day and watercolored the Memorial Services. It was a loose, relaxed watercoloring session, but it really helped me. I hoped I’d be able to get through it without crying and I did, but it was hard. Sometimes we have to show up to do the hard things so we can do other things. Some days are harder than others, but each day is a step towards healing.
I am heartbroken over the loss of my brother. He was my little brother. For weeks, I’ve been trying to focus on my family, and our home. Lately, I’ve been trying to open up my focus to my Studio and my Creativity. I have been cleaning, clearing out things, and I feel like I’m moving into a new season. I’ve let go of so much, and I needed to do that. In the process of letting go of things, people, and practices that weren’t bringing me joy, weren’t positive, or weren’t working…I have been doing the work, and establishing new practices, which has helped me hone in on what my process is and what I need it to be, which is not necessarily what I thought I wanted it to be. What we need and what we want aren’t necessarily the same thing. I had to find a way to prioritize myself and my feelings, my grief–that has been hard, and something I am still working on–it’s a work in progress.
I’m focused on my journey, both personally and creatively. I am finding my way towards balance and harmony. I am finding my way in the Studio. It’s been a rough few months, but I’ve finally broken the surface, and I’m swimming towards freedom… Freedom of expression, freedom in my space, freedom from guilt that I couldn’t help my brother more, freedom in my creativity, freedom to succeed, and freedom on my journey. Taking those first few steps, fighting the grief didn’t work, I had to open myself up to swimming with the tides of grief, and in that process I began to heal. I am healing. I am worth the efforts, and some days the effort is one small thing, one small step, and some days the efforts are multiple steps, but like Vincent van Gogh said, “Great things are not done by impulse, but by a series of small things brought together.”
What does that look like here in the Studio?